Tuesday, October 9, 2007

All I Know About Staying Alive, I Learned From the Living Dead...

Aim For The Head!

Half-assing your way to the obvious solution wastes precious time. Do it before someone finally yells "Just shoot it in the head, already!"

Beware The Others

There are always ravens that want to steal your shiny objects. Don't leave shiny objects lying about. Keep your guard up... the ravens can smell your stuff.

That's why they're called The Others.

Cultivate a Team

You need a team to keep off The Others. Know who you want to be fighting alongside and who'll have your back before things go bad...after the shit hits the fan is way too late to start putting together a fantasy team.

Don't Get Noticed

Metaphorically speaking, flying your helicopter around the roof of a mall that you've barricaded yourself in is going to draw the wrong kind of attention.

Literally speaking it's an even worse idea. Let some other group of survivors draw the attention.

And ^^that is the cheesiest binocular effect in the history of film. 

Eliminate The Dead Wood

That whiny yuppie/hippie/slacker/whatever is always the one that ends up letting the menace over the threshold.

Cut/chase and send him packing...or just throw him to the zombies and use the distraction to make a break for a more secure location.

Hipsters suddenly become useful.


Speaks for itself, doesn't it? Just secure the house before wasting time arguing whether the basement — or the ground floor — is the best place to weather the zombie attack.

Any fool knows that the second floor is a much more secure refuge...

Greed Kills

If you have enough to get by on, going out for more is just a bad idea. There's more to life than dying over something you don't need.

Help Is Not Coming

The Man doesn't give a flying rat's ass about you. He's got his own shit to deal with...and it ain't you. Besides, if you finally do get his attention he'll just mistake you for one of Them...

It Is What It Is

Bad things happen...wasted time trying to figure out the Why of the situation could be spent finding a way out of the mess.

Just assume that it was of The Man's doing, and move on to...

Just Deal

This is how the zombie apocalypse begins. A few scattered reports of cannibalism. Authorities making excuses. Late night hosts cracking jokes. Then shit gets real.

Just deal with it or die.

Know Your Exits

All safe avenues come to an end...know when to recognize the right exit when it presents itself. And no...air ducts are not to be considered as an escape route. Take it from me...they won't hold your weight.


Loyalty only goes so far

Or love for that matter. They may look like a former loved one, but once they turn there's no reasoning with them. As usual, but worse. Leave them to shamble on after their dead friends into a fading twilight...

...or for their own good just put them down right away, for God's sake. They're just gonna die anyways, and then get right back up and bite you in the ass.

Malls Are SO Like Not a Good Idea

Everybody knows that the Mall is where the goodies are... even the dead. Think outside the big box. Think about how your asshole local gun nut might not have made it back to his fortress.

Wouldn't hurt to check. Right?

No Such Thing As “No Such Thing”

Try telling a zombie gnawing on your arm that it doesn’t exist. It's not listening, is it?

Just because there hasn’t been a documented case of the walking dead doesn’t mean that it hasn’t happened…

...with no one left to document it.

Open Your Eyes

Someone has to be the first to raise the alarm… just make sure that you’re also the first to hit the gun store before the looting begins.

On the other hand, also make sure that it’s not just some scabby-faced tweaker clawing at you for change or a smoke, or no one will believe you when they really need to.

Pie Fights Are Fun

And they’re good for alleviating boredom…unless you invite the dead. They don’t get slapstick.

Inflicting humor on the humorless is never a good idea.

Quit Yer Squabbling

Infighting distracts until it’s too late to start working together.

End of argument.


Dude. Just fucking run. No one's gonna think you're a pansy.

Stay Out Of The Graveyard

If the shit is hitting the fan, don’t run towards the fan.

They ARE Out To Get You

It’s not paranoia…the shambling masses are mindless and building in numbers. And they want you to join them…

But at least you can always fake caring about American Idol until a break opens up.

Understand Why Taboos Are Taboo

Using an antediluvian spell to raise the dead for shits n' giggles is generally not a good idea. Especially if that spell is contained in a book bound in human flesh.

Vanity Is Deadly

If a zombie has you by the hair and is about to impale your eye on a shard of wood, hair loss is an option.

When All Else Fails... Wing It!

If a gun isn’t available, a lawnmower can do in a pinch.

X Is Not An Option

Nor booze or any other distraction. Just because it makes you feel better doesn’t mean the situation has improved. Maybe some meth to keep the senses sharp...

Shit...what was that?

You Are Going To Die No Matter What

It’s best not to think about that one, you...

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